Ah, home. We stopped off on the way down for a spot of second breakfast and as we were placing our order, the other half decided to investigate some unfamiliar aspects of the local cuisine:
OH: What’s blackheart sausage?
Man in Cafe: It’s made by our butcher – a lorne sausage with a heart of black pudding running down the middle (at this point, he went so far as to draw us a little picture on the order pad). There’s also braveheart sausage, which is the same thing but with haggis* in the middle.
OH: oh right, well could I have a slice of blackheart sausage in my roll?
MIC: No
OH: No?
MIC: No. It only comes in the full breakfast. Otherwise it would be complicated
OH: ?
The other half, poor thing, has only lived in this country for getting on for 20 years and still harbours fond delusions that some faint echo of a service culture will emerge. But, frankly, when you run a cafe at a beauty spot on a remote road with no other cafe for 40 miles in all directions, you get to make the rules.
And I get to eat my breakfast to the accompaniment of a disgruntled American muttering ‘No? Whaddaya mean “No“?’ at five minute intervals.
* There is nothing – nothing – the Scots will not put haggis into given half a chance.
That last statement in that post is – how shall I put this – very worrying. I knew the Scots were perhaps a little suspect in some ways – but surely there are limits?
OK – to clarify – we’re talking food here.
Speak for yourself…
Okaaaay…
Very disconcerting. The other half is American. I now have to reimagine all your previous conversations with him with an American accent. You might think of your readership and tell us these things in good time. Sigh.
Oh dear. I’m sure it’s come up before. But he is fully domesticated – drinks bitter, understands cricket etc.
Lorne sausage is Wrong. Just Wrong.
But is it more wrong with a heart of haggis?
Well-made Lorne black/braveheart included is great, completely at ease with the world – none of that irritating sausages rolling out of the bun – er I mean piece – nonsense.
Ah,I always cut the sausages in half, which eliminates the rolling and allows for more sauce absorption to boot.
Oh and besides, he wouldn’t serve it to us in a roll …
Reminds me of a story I once heard Truman Capote tell when he spoke at my university…
Seems he went into a diner in America’s deep South, and ordered ham and eggs. The waitress apologized, saying “Sorry honey, we’re all out.”
So he said, “Well, are you out of eggs? Then I’ll just have the ham.” “No, we got plenty of eggs,” she responded.
“Okay, so you’re out of ham,” Capote answered. “Then I’ll just have some eggs.” “Oh no,” she said, “we got plenty of ham.”
“Well, if you have ham and you’ve got eggs,” he demanded, “what is it that your out of? Why can’t I just have some ham and eggs?”
“Oh honey,” she said, “we’re all out of grits.”
You’ll never make it in Scotland with that sort of profligate attitude – is it not more economical the wear and tear on *your knife* to let the butcher slice the sausage with his knife ready to put in your bun and have a larger surface area ready to absorb the sauce to boot.