Battle Commences?

December 14, 2009

Cycling back with the paper this afternoon I came across two of Bigtownshire’s finest standing staring at a piece of verge with a newly erected fence on it. Obviously, I slowed down and said ‘hello’ in a tone of voice intended to convey that I might be an important witness in whatever fascinating crime they were investigating, if only they were to stop me and ask, but they didn’t take the bait. Honestly, what’s the point of standing around in the country obviously being police officers if you don’t satisfy the curiosity of everybody passing about what you’re doing? They know we don’t get out much.

So in the absence of any hard information, and with the local paper not due out until Friday, I am forced to speculate wildly. Chicken rustling? Guerilla fencing? Photography? Or could it be that strimming the vegetation to erect the fence had revealed that the drive-by litter taliban had been at their heinous work again? In which case, expect the whole rural road network shortly to be taped off as a crime scene…


A Little Known Offshoot of the War Against Terror…

December 2, 2009

When we lived in London, the only time the sirens stopped was when England were playing in the World Cup. And even then, you weren’t sure if it was the absence of crime, or the absence of police officers willing to go and fight it that caused the lull. Up here, things are a little different. We had cause to check out the Bigtownshire police report for the year, and found that, while some prominence was given to what appears to be the county’s only murder, slightly more was given to:

The Battle Against Litter

I’d like to report that it’s one that they’re winning, but the litter mongers are like the Taliban only more tenacious and – to be fair – a little less deadly. They’re both rather too fond of roadside devices as well.

There is, however, no news on the war against garden implement theft. Priorities, guys, please.


If you Want to Know the Time, Ask a Policeman…

September 4, 2009

On the other hand, if it’s directions you’re after…

I was in Bigtown the other day, doing my civic duty in giving a statement to the police (and no, I am not the prime suspect in the Great Hoe Theft, before you ask). As I left, they apologised for dragging me all the way in over a relatively trivial matter that happened several months ago.

‘We actually tried to go out to see you to save you the trip,’ one of them said. ‘But we drove around for a while and couldn’t find you and in the end we had to give up as we had another call.’

It’s something to bear in mind if we ever do get burgled – give precise directions. Meanwhile, I’ll just be happy that we’re clearly not in a high crime area. Or perhaps it’s just that all the police sat navs have been pinched?


Crime Wave

August 12, 2009

A friend reports one unexpected side-effect of the recent warm weather. She went up to her allotment near Bigtown on Friday to find that her shed had been broken into – again. More in hope than expectation of any tangible result, she reported it to Bigtownshire’s finest, and got on with her day. Two hours later, the police turned up to investigate this, the crime of the century.

‘You never bothered when the shed was broken into the last time,’ she said. ‘In fact, I’ve been burgled twice and never seen a police officer, so how come you’re out here now?’

‘Ach well,’ said one of them. ‘We thought we’d come out as it was a nice day for a drive.’

Of course it could also be that they’d misinterpreted what she had meant by reporting ‘two missing hoes.’


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