My Long-term Vision for Scotland’s Weather

November beeches
Sunshine is great. It’s pleasant, and it’s healthy in moderation. It warms us, and it makes plants grow and people happy. Here in this blog post I’d like to set out my vision of what I hope Scotland will be like in 2030 if sunshine on most days becomes the norm. I’ve drawn it up in consultation with many stakeholders, including the cat, the Weather Gods and the Tarmac Fairy.

view of cows

People will smile more. ‘Taps’ will be ‘aff’ earlier in the year. The people of Scotland will largely go an attractive shade of pink, except for those who were already an attractive shade of brown. Coffee on the bench will become a routine. Cyclists will no longer have to apologise for the glare from their legs when they make the switch into shorts. Vitamin D deficiency will be a thing of the past. Suntanning salons will be converted into cake shops and garden centres. The tables outside cafes will no longer be for miserable wet smokers but for chic laughing people with their sunglasses pushed up onto the tops of their heads.

St Mary's Loch

Flowers will bloom all summer and never end up flattened by the rain. The rain will fall at night, keeping the hills green. Cyclists will have a tailwind on the way out, and then also on the way back. Raspberries will be plentiful in the hedgerows. Every bee will happily buzz as it works its way around the garden and we’ll grow french beans and sweetcorn every year.

mystery beans flowering

Summers will be the way you remember them as a child. Autumn will be crisp and cool and smell of woodsmoke. The mist will rise off the rivers but will quickly disperse. It will start snowing big fat magical flakes of snow at midnight on Christmas Eve but the snow will be gone before Hogmanay except in the skiing areas. Spring will come early and the hedgerows will be filled with blossoms. The English will be jealous. Oh God, will the English be jealous…

tree in the sunshine

But what’s that, I hear you say? Just having a vision for something is not the same as achieving it? It’s a terrible waste of time to write a whole document saying how nice it would be if something nice happened? That if wishes were horses then beggars would ride? Well then what on earth is the Scottish Government doing wasting its time producing this?

double rainbow

11 Responses to My Long-term Vision for Scotland’s Weather

  1. Anonymous says:

    Love it!

  2. Charles says:

    At least they do not recommend all cyclists should fit stabilisers…

  3. Alastair says:

    Well done, you puncture Holyrood’s castles in the air, jam-tomorrow bubble (how many metaphors am I mixing there?). Perhaps if they just gone on with making a few practical improvements, or just passed the budget to councils to make improvements, the vision might become a reality with the glossy document.

  4. Flighty says:

    …and then you woke up! xx

  5. john gibson says:

    I was very happy until you mentioned the sweetcorn.

  6. Steven Hope says:

    Now that’s he’s not there to make any of it happen, it looks like Brown left a shit in the drawer for the next guy.

  7. Autolycus says:

    Doing much the same “toffee apples for all” as they did with a certain previous future vision document.

  8. If they are serious (and I hope they are) the very best first step should be to get some Dutch transport bods over to help develop a “roadmap” (another one for your buzzword bingo card) that lays out the steps from here to there.

  9. disgruntled says:

    .. and now the minister who suffers from these visions has been moved on and replaced by someone who thinks pedestrianising a high street is ‘going too far’

  10. WOL says:

    As we say here in ranching country, if wishes were horses, we’d be knee-deep in it . . .

  11. […] November, despite my best efforts the rain returned and I decided someone was wrong on the internet […]

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